Dedicated To: Baby Harry Brian Tabbernal
With Love: Ekaterina Tabbernal (Loving Mother)
In memory & dedication to my beautiful baby who is forever woven into my heart, until I come to you!
My Wish List For Harry
I wish I had willed for you to live harder.
I wish I had held you longer.
I wish I could have bathed you.
I wish I could have breastfeed you.
I wish I could have heard you cry.
I wish I could have made you better.
I wish this wasn’t true.
I wish I could have touched your soft smooth skin,
smelled your fine gentle hair,
kissed your tender lips and cuddled you longer.
I wish you didn’t die.
I wish I had looked into your eyes and told you that
I was your mummy.
I wish you could have met your sister Olivia.
I wish I took more photos of you.
I wish I took a video so I could watch the miracle of your birth
over & over again.
I wish you could have come home with us.
I wish I didn’t sleep, so I could have adored you longer.
I wish you stayed in my arms.
I wish I could have proudly showed you off to all
our family and friends.
I wish I could have watched you grow.
I wish you were here.
I wish….
I wish you didn’t die.
February 2000
© Ekaterina Tabbernal 2004
To My Husband
Out of our love for each other, we had Harry.
Together we shared his joy and pain,
And together we share our sorrow and grief,
And for that I will always be grateful.
You have been my tower of strength,
Through this difficult and unjust time.
And I know you are grieving too,
For your eyes saw our little son slip away,
And your eyes see my pain every day.
I acknowledge it’s hard for you too,
In many different ways.
And I thank you for your strength and patience,
In holding our fragile family together.
July 2000
© Ekaterina Tabbernal 2004
“Life Goes On….”
But how does it?
When my baby is gone.
When I will never serenade a lullaby.
When I will never hear his baby cries.
When I will not know of his love.
When I will never feel his soft skin.
When I will never see him grow.
How does “life go on”?
When my baby is not in my arms.
Where all my dreams are unfulfilled.
Where my whole body feels annulled.
When I feel like half a person,
Because a very real and significant
part of me has also died.
July 2000
© Ekaterina Tabbernal 2004
But For A Moment
I held your tiny hand.
I felt your warm skin on mine.
I wrapped my arms around you.
But For A Moment,
We felt blessed.
We had tears of joy.
We felt extremely content.
But For A Moment,
You were alive.
October 2000
© Ekaterina Tabbernal 2004
Safe Haven
There’s a place I go,
Where I sit and talk,
To a warm hearted person,
I call my friend, my counselor.
Where I feel free to express,
My loss, my pain, my fears,
My deepest grief.
Without burdening others,
Without guilt and judgment,
Without shame.
In this place I shed many tears,
And the beginnings of mirth.
Where time stands still,
And the world around me stops.
And when I leave,
I feel encouraged,
I feel validated,
I feel normal.
There’s a special place I go.
I call,
My Safe Haven.
For in this place there is peace,
There is kindness and compassion,
And best of all,
There is Harry.
(Dedicated to Mal McKissock)
September 2002
© Ekaterina Tabbernal 2004
Sometimes
Sometimes I am happy,
Sometimes I am very sad.
Sometimes I am strong enough,
Sometimes I am weak & feeble.
Sometimes my life feels together,
Sometimes it falls apart.
Sometimes I see a future,
Sometimes it is lost.
Sometimes I feel like I fit in,
Sometimes I feel like an outcast.
Sometimes things are effortless,
Sometimes things are a chore.
Sometimes I see a bright light,
Sometimes it is dimmed.
Sometimes I crave company,
Sometimes I want to be alone.
Sometimes I re-live the painful loss,
Sometimes I pretend it didn\'t happen.
Sometimes I am sure & confident,
Sometimes I am insecure & clumsy.
Sometimes people remember you,
Sometimes it\'s like you didn\'t exist.
Sometimes I can really laugh,
Sometimes the tears don\'t stop.
But always,
And always,
I miss you.
January 2004
© Ekaterina Tabbernal 2004
Christmas Day
My beautiful boy, Harry.
Today you are attending the perfect birthday celebration
for the Perfect One,
Jesus.
I will miss you, my little one,
but the Lord saw to it that you are kept perfectly safe in Heaven.
May you join with the angels in song
on this wonderful day, rejoicing to the Highest.
25th December 2004
© Ekaterina Tabbernal 2004
On your 6th Birthday
As our earthly child
Today would be your sixth birthday.
Happy birthday darling!
Many thoughts consume my mind
Sitting here next to you,
Wondering where have the last six years gone.
As I watch your siblings,
Olivia, Luke and new sister Delta
Carefree & animated about your birthday,
I see them as my little ‘pieces’ of heaven
In this ever changing, fast moving world.
And although time has elapsed
You are constantly with us
Linked together by invisible love.
For you my darling
Are our heavenly child
Living in the realm of glory.
There are so many questions about heaven
that God has not revealed to us
But that’s ok because it makes coming to you
Even more wondrous!
Love Mummy
2nd February 2006
© Ekaterina Tabbernal 2004
(These poems were written out of my great love & intense grief
and subsquent beacon of hope. Not to be used without permission. Thank
you for taking the time to read & reflect)